Translate Inner Jobber!

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

My First Look


Above is the first image I ever saw of a BG East match.  I had come across this picture on the Bearhug Submission Page.  It features Wade Cutler vs. Steve Sherman in Hard Pros 3.  I still haven't seen the match, but my god, do I want to see that bearhug!  Bard at Neverland recently spoke about the first time coming across companies like BG East, and I too remember the thrill of discovering wrestling that was a little more intentionally homoerotic than what you can find on TV.

On a side note (as long as I'm feeling all wrestling nostalgic), the first BG East tape (yes, tape back then) I saw was Hunkbash 5, my favorite match at the time being Johnny Modesto vs. Psycho Capone.  The other matches were great, too, but this is the one I noticed the most.  Johnny's gear!  It was so much smaller than gear on TV!  And he got so dominated by Psycho!  (Oops--spoiler alert.)  Sadly, it's been a long time since I've seen that match.  I think that tape might have, um...accidentally been thrown away one day, after a sudden bout of guilt and self-loathing.  (It hasn't always been an easy road, you know?)

Johnny Modesto

Psycho Capone plants his foot on Johnny's carcass.

It looks like the Bearhug page also offers a cleaned-up version of the picture--in technical terms of things like color and lighting, that is.  Whew!  Wade's butt!  (He said, guilt-free.)

Monday, January 28, 2013

Skeleton Bang


Sometimes, when I'm frustrated and start to doubt if getting a college education was even worth it, I have to admit that it WAS worth it, even if only for one thing I learned: When bodies decay into skeletons, the bones don't stick together without ligaments and stuff.


So those images of skeletons chained to walls or sitting up in chairs or whatever just could never happen. And yet, AND YET, in every TV show, movie, and video game, there they are, skeletons chained to walls, magically staying intact.


Sometimes surely the creators know this isn't accurate, and are merely conceding to popular misconception.  But I never used to think there was anything wrong with it.  Actually it's a little annoying to notice that now.  Stupid college!

Look!  Ub Iwerks invented "The Human Centipede" in 1929's "The Skeleton Dance."

Here are some good skeletons.

1. "Skeleton Bang" by Rasputina, from the album "Great American Gingerbread"

2. Skeleton Zak

3. "The Skeleton Dance" by Ub Iwerks

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Something To Crave

BG East now has the results of its 2012 Fan Poll (for a few days now actually).  Sure, I think only two of my choices matched the final winners, but it was a lot of fun.  It got me thinking though.  I can do something about it!  I have a blog, with 56 members.  Fifty-six!  And so for the first time, I present the coveted Stay Puft "Inner Jobber" Jobber Award, or, the Jobby.


There is no voting for the Jobby; I award it to those I feel deserve it.  (Like most jobbers, I have a little bit of power suddenly--a blog with 56 followers!--and the power goes straight to my head.  Suddenly in the middle of the match, I get like one shot in, and now I think I can turn things around.  But as they say, I'm only going to end up going to the well one too many times...)

The Jobby isn't just about "who loses the most" or "who was the hottest wrestling bitch."  Jobbers are the under-appreciated workhorses, the people usually out of the spotlight.  So, "wivout any more further to do," I give you the winner of the very first Stay Puft "Inner Jobber" Jobber Award...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...



Barzini was nominated in one of the categories for BG East's polls, as the heel in "Rio's Bad Day" for Best Squash of 2012.  Although I didn't see it, the match DOES look exceptionally hot, with Barzini looking as gruff and cute and beefy as he did in Big-N-Beefy 5 (which I DID have the pleasure to see).




Barzini lost out in this category, and wasn't nominated in others, prompting me to declare him the winner of the first-ever Jobby.  For me, Bulldog is a breath of fresh air in BG East’s distinguished roster.  While others may quibble over the pretty boys with interchangeable torsos, I’m fascinated by the big beefy man confidently filling his bright pink trunks to maximum capacity.  Best Abs?  Best Butt?  Hell yeah I'm going with Bulldog, bulging out in both directions.  Yes, I pick him for these honors and more; the Jobby contains Best EVERYTHING, and I give it to Barzini.  Without taking ANYTHING away from all the other guys who do so much to wind me up, I'm giving all my props to the bulging, rugged, devilishly handsome wrestler just outside of the limelight, who looks just as good (or in my mind, better) taking it as he does dishing it out.

To throw a couple theme songs into this mix, Bulldog Barzini is more than a mouthful AND more bacon than the pan can handle!  Congratulations on your Jobby, Mr. Barzini; I look forward to seeing much more of your work in the future.






Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Song Of Arrow

"Arrow" has recently come back from its mid-season hiatus, and is gearing up towards what (for me) is a very big deal in terms of casting.  I was able to catch up on the show during its break, and I thought I would catch you up on it, if you're interested, so you'll be in-the-know in time for you-know-who (rhymes with "Colton Haynes").  I guess it contains some spoilers.  And there's a lot I don't talk about here (like more about that little book--he had already burned so many pages before its secret was revealed!  Is that kind of annoying to anyone else?).  Without further ado, I give you:

The Song Of Arrow


By the streets of Starling City
By the twinkling big skyscrapers
Stood the city's hooded archer,
Hooded vigilante archer
Righting the wrongs of his family,
Saving his beloved city.


In his past there loomed the ocean,
Loomed the dark Pacific Ocean
Tossing the yacht of the family,
Of the filthy rich Queen family
Where the Queens' son partied hearty
(Oliver, sometimes called Ollie)
Cheating on his lovely girlfriend--
Cheating with her hotter sister.


Then the waves broke on the ship deck,
Broke into the lovers' cabin,
Stole away the girlfriend's sister,
Leaving just the little playboy
In a lifeboat with his father,
With his suicidal father
Giving his son just a message--
Just one book, and just one message--
"Try to clean up Starling City."


Then the lifeboat hit an island,
A remote Pacific Island
Where important, strange things happened
Shown to us in grainy flashbacks.


Five long years passed on the island,
Time enough to grow his hair out
And to grow a burly man-beard.


On the fifth year he was rescued
And returned to Starling City
Where he works out like a demon
Shirtless demon with no shirt on.


Now the playboy's reunited,
Reunited with his family.


See him meet his new stepfather:
Bald, intense, with tiny chin-beard
Like a little black Batista.



Reunited with his sister:
Pretty, doe-eyed little sister
Turning to the drugs and parties.


Reunited with his mother:
Sneaking and conniving mother
Hiding what she's really doing;
Secretly she keeps her secrets.


Now a bodyguard is with him
Inconvenient for a hero--


Unless the two fight crime TOGETHER.


Now his fellow trust fund baby,
Douche-y, best friend trust fund baby,
Starts to date the playboy's girlfriend.
She's the one whose sister perished
Cheating with the playboy boyfriend.


To the city rode a Huntress,
Rode a bitchy, whiny Huntress
Killing people willy-nilly;
Not enough to care about her.
(Do we really need her in it?)


Bright before us looms a promise,
Promise of a new addition
To the major cast of players:
Colton Haynes, who just left "Teen Wolf,"
Broke my heart by leaving "Teen Wolf,"
Now he comes to Starling City
Twentieth of February.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Jinkies!


When I started watching "Arrow," Stephen Amell seemed very familiar to me, and for good reason: It turns out I had already seen his younger cousin, Robbie Amell, star as Fred Jones in two Scooby-Doo movies, "The Mystery Begins" and "Curse of the Lake Monster."

(These were pretty good--they are NOT to be confused with the theatrical releases, you know, with Sarah Jessica Michelle or Sarah Michelle Jessica or whatever in them--I think I'm getting at least one of their names wrong; anyway, I don't mean the "Flight of the Navigator" girl, I mean the "Buffy" girl--but not the "Buffy" movie, the TV show--but I digress.  I saw the first one of THOSE Scooby movies and didn't like it--it was really crude and frankly it felt like the people who made it didn't really even like Scooby.)

But Robbie Amell makes as good a Freddy as Stephen does an Arrow.  And for being such squeaky clean movies, they still find chances in the second one to have Freddy jogging around sweaty, and they even give him a shirtless scene.  Those Canadian boys sure are cute, aren't they?








Friday, January 18, 2013

Still Time To Vote

During the presidential elections, I was getting REALLY fed up with all of the invasive phone calls I was receiving.  This year seemed worse than usual.  So I'm a little disappointed that for BG East's Fan Poll, nobody's been calling me at dinnertime, asking my opinions about bulges and abs and heels and jobbers.

It's an interesting poll, to be sure.  But in no way do I want to sway YOUR vote!  So I'm not going to tell you how I voted.  I'm just going to illustrate my blog with random pictures of random wrestlers.

____________________________

Now, write-ins may feel like you're throwing away your vote (I was too young to vote at the time, but my father DID vote for Ross Perot, incidentally), but I did write-in my vote for ONE category: Best Abs.


____________________________

And when it came to Best Bulge, ironically that one wasn't hard at all.  (I crack myself up.)


____________________________

As far as Top Heel is concerned (as discussed at Ringside at Skull Island), I knew that I would end up voting for a heel who was suave and handsome and vicious and comfortable and provided a steady stream of trash talk.


____________________________

Other categories dear to my heart (Best Squash, Top Jobber) were more difficult for me.  If I pick one jobber over another, then I'm taking sides, and the jobber I chose becomes a little LESS of a jobber, and the jobber I DIDN'T choose becomes a little bit MORE of a jobber, making me have to rethink my decision.


____________________________

I'm pretty sure nobody expects people to have seen EVERY release from 2012.  But surely familiarity with certain wrestlers, supplemented by being able to browse the BG East website to become more familiar with the rest, is enough to make one a qualified voter.  (I HAVE to believe that.)

So...yay!  Go vote!  And MAYBE, when it's all said and done, I'll share some of my own picks with you.