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Thursday, October 31, 2013

WickedLeaks: Disney's Beauty And The Beast



Happy Halloween, Inner Jobbers!  Welcome to WickedLeaks, where I will finally talk about some evil things, and why they are evil.  I will also talk about the bias I had going into each of these subjects, by which I mean, my general impression of them BEFORE I decided there was something evil about them.

I wanted to stay positive.  I didn't want to upset anybody.  But the truth must be told.



NAME: Disney's Beauty and the Beast
CODE NAME: Sucky's Sucky and the Suck
PRE-EXISTING BIAS: Positive.  I loved this movie when I was twelve.

The theme of this movie seems to be, "Appearance is everything."  You'd think it would be the opposite, but no.  I used to watch this movie a lot, and then one day, suddenly it was just so boring, I couldn't believe how much of it was left.  And I haven't watched it since then, years ago.  And I HOPE to never see it again.  But I'm going to remember what I can about it, for you.

We start off with a selfish prince who turns away an old beggar woman.  Turning her away into a snowstorm is practically giving her a death sentence.  But lo and behold!  She's actually a beautiful enchantress!  (That's right, it turns out she's really BEAUTIFUL!  Yay!)  Her revenge on the prince is to give him this big huge elaborate chance to redeem himself.  She turns him into a hideous Beast--well actually, she turns him into a surprisingly cute Beast, very huggable, very My Pet Monster.  Not covered with bald patches and scabs and stuff like you might suppose.  I guess you can still be a Beast as long as you're a MARKETABLE Beast.

She also turns the entire (conveniently named) castle staff into things!  Lumiere became a candlestick.  Cogsworth became a clock.  Mrs. Potts became a teapot.  Little boy Chip became a teacup with a chip in it.  Mrs. Wardrobe obviously was the name of the wardrobe.  And poor Mr. Chamber Pot...!  All this until someone falls in love with the Beast for his insides or something.

Then we go to this small town.  And everyone's all a-flutter about this BEAUTIFUL girl, who's just the most BEAUTIFUL girl they've ever seen, and her name is Belle, which means BEAUTY!  But she's SMART too!  Smart AND beautiful, girls!  Aim high!  In fact, she's SO fucking smart that she KNOWS how much better she is than this whole fucking town, and she sings this whole song about how much fucking better she is than this whole fucking town and god, she wants to get away from this town!  And at this annoying part she's reading this book, that clearly tells the story of "Beauty and the Beast," to a bunch of sheep.  (Because she's so much smarter than everyone else that she has to resort to SHEEP for her friends!)  And she's all, "Here's where she meets Prince Charming, but she won't discover that it's him 'til Chapter Three."  And it's like, wait.  Is the book like, three chapters long?  And you had it open in the middle.  Is it like, a book filled with short stories?  You're acting like it's the beginning of the book--which makes sense because you JUST borrowed it like thirty seconds ago--but now you're like halfway through and saying it ends in like three chapters.  Whatever.

Oh, and there's this big hot guy Gaston, but he's evil.  Because of the times he grew up in, you know?  He believes what he's been told, and what everyone around him believes, and he's quite sexist and not at all willing to suddenly be one of the only people in the world at the time to stand up for women's rights.  The swine!  Oh and there are these triplets who are totally into Gaston, and they might be prettier than Beauty BUT they're not also SMART like her!  So they lose.

Let's see.  The Beast keeps her dad a fucking PRISONER in his castle.  And Beauty gets the Beast to let her father go by taking his place.  As the Beast's PRISONER.  And then, while she's his PRISONER who can't go home or anything because she can't leave because she's IMPRISONED, she's like all, "He's really kind of cute!"  'Cause you know, remember, no scabs or bald patches or anything.

And they dance in a ballroom in like the first instance of computer animation being inserted into hand animation, and NO Disney.  It was NOT magical.  It was CLUMSY and it takes you out of the movie at that part.  It makes you think, "Look what THAT looks like," and whether you like it or not, it makes you think about the clashing styles of animation, and you're taken out of the story, which maybe they did to be merciful because there's a fucking Angela Lansbury song going on during this shit.

Okay, blah blah, then like Gaston goes to rescue Beauty and kill the Beast.  And she's all like "But I LOOOVE him!"  And then the Beast is gonna let Gaston go anyway, but Gaston stabs the Beast in the back so the Beast flails and knocks Gaston off the roof so he can die without it being anyone else's fault.  Then the Beast turns into a hunky human prince and Beauty's all like "Oh!  Turns out he's beautiful!  Not that I care about that!"  And all the shit in the castle turns into annoying character actors.

NOW.  I don't feel like Gaston going after the Beast was ANY worse than the Beast turning that old woman away to DIE.  At least Gaston was killing a big strong (albeit huggable) MONSTER and not some poor old woman!  And why did he have to die?  Isn't that the laziest resolution EVER?  Why didn't he get a chance to redeem himself?  Why did the fucking BEAST get like this big huge elaborate fucking scheme affecting hundreds of people around him so he could eventually FINALLY learn his lesson?  Maybe if Gaston had everything fucking HANDED to him like the Beast did, and everyone around HIM turned into magical shit and stuff, then maybe HE could have learned his lesson too!  He would have learned that beautiful people should end up with beautiful people, but you should also be smart, and it's what's on the inside that counts or whatever.



You guys.  This has been an exhausting week, warning you about all this evil.  I feel so tired and dirty.  How do the WikiLeaks people keep it up?  More power to them.

Happy Halloween!  Here are Max and Charlie Carver taking advantage of their twinness for the best Halloween costumes ever.  "Come and play with us."

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

WickedLeaks: The American Red Cross



Tomorrow's Halloween, Inner Jobbers!  Welcome to WickedLeaks, where I will finally talk about some evil things, and why they are evil.  I will also talk about the bias I had going into each of these subjects, by which I mean, my general impression of them BEFORE I decided there was something evil about them.

I wanted to stay positive.  I didn't want to upset anybody.  But the truth must be told.



NAME: The American Red Cross
CODE NAME: I can't even, I'm just too pissed, I just can't.
PRE-EXISTING BIAS: Obviously positive.  They save lives, it's noble.

I worked at the American Red Cross, so they have the easy out of saying (in some of these cases anyway) that it's just a problem with my LOCAL Red Cross.

But what did I hear at the Red Cross.  Right.  I was there during Hurricane Katrina.  I heard a woman who worked there turning away people who came there for help, saying they lost their home in the hurricane.  She said they couldn't do a thing for them since he didn't have any proof.  For one thing, I thought, If you're fleeing your home because of a fucking HURRICANE, how do you prove that?  What do you do?  Take a selfie?  "Me fleeing from hurricane!  My home being destroyed behind me!  YIKES!  :P"  For another thing, what?  Were they afraid it was actually a LOCAL homeless person trying to sneakily get some help?  We can't have THAT!

Then I heard one woman who worked there telling another woman who worked there, "We had some people asking us where they can find a place to live, an apartment to rent or something, but we're not telling them anything.  What if we told them someplace and they got robbed?  We don't need that liability.  We're calling the Good Will and telling them to do the same."  So...oh my god.  These dislocated people, needing to find a place to LIVE, and the motherfucking RED CROSS is refusing to help?  On the off chance they'll end up getting sued or some shit?

So it was pure frosting on the cake a few years later, when I found out that the Red Cross won't accept blood from a gay man if he's had sex in the last thirty years.  Because you know, straight people don't carry AIDS.  Or women.  Because it's 1985, apparently.  There just keeps being more and more evil to find out about the Red Cross.


Tuesday, October 29, 2013

WickedLeaks: The Bible



Two days 'til Halloween, Inner Jobbers!  Welcome to WickedLeaks, where I will finally talk about some evil things, and why they are evil.  I will also talk about the bias I had going into each of these subjects, by which I mean, my general impression of them BEFORE I decided there was something evil about them.

I wanted to stay positive.  I didn't want to upset anybody.  But the truth must be told.



NAME: The Bible
CODE NAME: Secret Devil Book
PRE-EXISTING BIAS: Positive.  The Bible's the Bible, you know?

But God in the Old Testament, oh man.  At this one point he was so pleased with people for killing this man and this woman by running them through with a sword while they were having sex.  He killed all the boys in Egypt to show his support to Moses.  He did all that horrible shit to Job to say, "Look!  He's still loyal to me!"  He was all, "Hey Abraham!  Kill your son to prove your loyalty!"  And on and on and on.

Personally I believe in a God of love.  A loving force that created the universe, because when I can be outside, which isn't often, but away from shit, I don't know, that's what I believe.

But that Old Testament shit?  That God's fucking EVIL.  So either there's some evil God out there (that TOTALLY couldn't be MY God), or ACTUALLY, the DEVIL, SATAN, has been TRICKING people into thinking HE'S God.  The evil Old Testament shit definitely sounds more evil than good to me.  So all these people who believe the Old Testament and put themselves on higher pedestals are WORSHIPING SATAN WITHOUT REALIZING IT.  Joke's on you, Satan worshipers!

But it turns out, with just a little research, that I'm totally not the only person who thought this.  (I FELT like I was the first person to think of it, but you know, I don't get out that much.)  So it was kind of a relief to read that Thomas Paine has said:

"Whenever we read the obscene stories, the voluptuous debaucheries, the cruel and torturous executions, the unrelenting vindictiveness with which more than half the Bible is filled, it would be more consistent that we call it the word of a demon than the word of God.  It is a history of wickedness that has served to corrupt and brutalize humankind."

Fuck yeah.  Common sense.


Monday, October 28, 2013

WickedLeaks: Nurses



Three days 'til Halloween, Inner Jobbers!  Welcome to WickedLeaks, where I will finally talk about some evil things, and why they are evil.  I will also talk about the bias I had going into each of these subjects, by which I mean, my general impression of them BEFORE I decided there was something evil about them.

I wanted to stay positive.  I didn't want to upset anybody.  But the truth must be told.



NAME: Nurses
CODE NAME: Rat Bag; Rat Bitch
PRE-EXISTING BIAS: Positive.  As a kid, I kind of expected that everyone was going to be nice.  (Pretty unintelligent in retrospect.)

Just innocently flicking through a catalog that came in the mail, you wouldn't expect to suddenly get all pissed off, right?  But then you see a plaque in the catalog that says: "Nurses are supposed to save your ass, not kiss it!"

Oh, I'm sorry.  Was there EVER a nurse in the history of fucking EVER who kissed anybody's ass?  Is their definition of "kissing ass" actually "being a polite human being treating a patient as though THEY, TOO, are a human being"?  If so, I've STILL never heard of a nurse kissing anybody's ass!

You guys.  I was a sick child.  I spent much time in hospitals.  And as a kid, you don't really notice stuff.  But then you think back and you realize, those questions they were asking you, if you like school and such, they didn't fucking BELIEVE you.  They think you're LYING.  And you get older, and they don't ask those obvious questions anymore, but they also act pissed, like you're wasting their time.

I know.  No doubt someone reading this has a wife or a sister or a best friend who is a nurse, and reading this, you might be getting pretty pissed off at me.  And to you, I'm sorry.  But your wife/sister/best friend is a mean bitch.  That can't be an easy thing to hear.  If, as you believe, your wife/sister/best friend truly IS the world's first nice compassionate nurse, then congratulations.  And, I know a humorous plaque you might want to get her as a gift!

(I don't know if gender makes a difference.  I can't remember encountering a male nurse.)



10/15/2014 UPDATE!

I had to go to the hospital a few months back, and most of the nurses this time were nice, and even funny.  Male and female.  The nurse when you first come in was a cold bitch, so it wasn't 100%, but still!  It restored some of my faith in humanity.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

WickedLeaks: Thomas Edison



Four days 'til Halloween, Inner Jobbers!  Welcome to WickedLeaks, where I will finally talk about some evil things, and why they are evil.  I will also talk about the bias I had going into each of these subjects, by which I mean, my general impression of them BEFORE I decided there was something evil about them.

I wanted to stay positive.  I didn't want to upset anybody.  But the truth must be told.



NAME: Thomas Edison
CODE NAME: Murder Pig
PRE-EXISTING BIAS: Positive.  Who HASN'T grown up hearing about how fucking great Edison is?

Edison vs. Tesla, and Tesla's alternating current is better than Edison's direct current.  So to make Tesla look bad, Edison tries to convince people that alternating current is too deadly.  He routinely electrocutes animals to death.  But the thing is.  THE THING IS.  He claims it's only strays.  (And that would still be bad enough.)  BUT.  He's paying kids money to bring him these animals, money to STEAL dogs away from FAMILIES.  Long as he gets his dogs to kill.  I'm sorry, a family's dog is a family member, and electrocuting them to try to stake your claim to a spot in history despite your inferior product, that's just sick.  Evil.  (And then using alternating current in the first electric chair to say, "Look how deadly Tesla's is!" and grossly underpowering it so the man died a hideous, horrible, I-don't-even-wish-it-on-my-evil-uncle death, really, he's disgusting.)  Now, Tesla was an asshole too, and was all "No fat chicks," but he wasn't really EVIL.

And finding out about Edison pissed me off that I had never heard that shit before.  The good stuff, yeah, but not that shit.  And then that new Oz movie--I love "The Wizard of Oz," and I love James Franco, but I don't think I want to see that movie ever again.  And what killed it for me?  That movie had its lips FIRMLY planted at the base of Edison's cock.  Did his descendants fucking finance that movie or something?


Saturday, October 26, 2013

WickedLeaks: Bruno Mars



Five days 'til Halloween, Inner Jobbers!  Welcome to WickedLeaks, where I will finally talk about some evil things, and why they are evil.  I will also talk about the bias I had going into each of these subjects, by which I mean, my general impression of them BEFORE I decided there was something evil about them.

I wanted to stay positive.  I didn't want to upset anybody.  But the truth must be told.



NAME: Bruno Mars
CODE NAME: Shit Stain
PRE-EXISTING BIAS: Slightly negative.  I thought his music was kind of annoying, and his face was kind of annoying, but that's it.  Nothing interesting enough to even lead to actual dislike.


Here, I realize I'm hacking at branches, and not at the root of the evil.  But I thought I'd talk about this annoying branch anyway.  He was arrested for possession of cocaine.  Not just like pot, who'd care about that.  Cocaine.  And they let him go with a warning and some community service.  Because he said it was the first time he had ever had it.  And when a magazine article asked if it was REALLY the first time, he said, "I probably better not answer that."  Maybe he was just trying to make himself sound tough.

For me, it's the whole One Law For The Rich, Another For The Poor thing that drives me crazy.  If some lower-middle-class white guy in the middle of Iowa were arrested with possessing cocaine, would he get a warning?  Maybe I'm just being cynical and not giving the wheels of justice enough credit, but I can't believe that's how everybody would be treated.  And the fact that he either LIED to the police about it being his first time just to get out of going to jail, or else he made it sound like he did so he'd sound impressive in some magazine, either way, just makes him an annoying little Shit Stain on the underwear of life, and I'm glad I didn't like his music.


Friday, October 25, 2013

WickedLeaks: Jamie Lee Curtis



Six days 'til Halloween, Inner Jobbers!  Welcome to WickedLeaks, where I will finally talk about some evil things, and why they are evil.  I will also talk about the bias I had going into each of these subjects, by which I mean, my general impression of them BEFORE I decided there was something evil about them.

I wanted to stay positive.  I didn't want to upset anybody.  But the truth must be told.



NAME: Jamie Lee Curtis
CODE NAME: Devil Bitch
PRE-EXISTING BIAS: None.  I had never seen any of her movies, I had never heard anything about her, one way or the other.  (I had thought maybe I had seen her in "Drop Dead Fred," but that turned out to be Carrie Fisher.)

VH1 had some show about paparazzi, and they had footage from some red carpet event, of a cameraman asking Jamie Lee Curtis a question.  And he said, "For my next question..."  And that really seemed to set the Yogurt Queen off.  "Your NEXT question?!  How DARE you?!  You're lucky if I talk to you AT ALL!  You're lucky if I LOOK at you!"  Just so supremely confident in her superiority over these people.  Spitting these words at the camera, so watching at home, there was no mistaking her tone, her disdain.

It's not that this incident is itself so terrible.  I'm sure all that paparazzi gets annoying, and it being an Event, she probably had places to be.  But to me, there's so much more behind it.  There's this quote that I love from "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" by JK Rowling, when Sirius Black says, "If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals."  Clearly, Jamie Lee Curtis thinks she's better than journalists, photographers, and cameramen.  Clearly, she doesn't think they're worth being patient with or polite to.  Despite the fact that she has chosen a profession in which one thrives by being noticed.  Getting attention is her goal, and at a red carpet event, where everyone goes to either look at people, or to be seen by people, she got offended that people would want to take her picture or film her or ask her questions.  Maybe she simply wanted to be interviewed by MORE IMPORTANT people.  Know what?  That doesn't help her case, in my eyes.


Thursday, October 24, 2013

Mystery Commercial Hunk

There's this DirecTV commercial, and I'm in love with one of the guys in it.


Not the main guy who wants to watch a romantic comedy, or the neck tattoo guy, but as a YouTube commenter put it, "the super ripped guy in the background."




"Who is the super ripped guy in the background?" asks a YouTuber.  And I, too, want to know.  BUT.  He's in the background of a commercial.  I realize it's likely I will NEVER know who this mystery hunk is.

UPDATE!  Check the comments below, and see that Stefan has identified the mystery hunk as Diego Sabastian.  Thank you thank you thank you!

Castlevania


So we discover beautiful models online in different ways.  Take Jessie Pavelka, who I discovered because I was searching for someone who, in my mind, could play Simon Belmont from the Castlevania series of video games.  Hot blond guy, big strong chin...works for me!  The cross tattoo on his right arm works perfectly for a vampire hunter.














Speaking of vampires.  A couple years ago I finally read Bram Stoker's "Dracula."  (An edition illustrated by Edward Gorey.  Because if Edward Gorey illustrates "Dracula," you read that edition.)  It was good, scarier than I thought it would be.  Annoying at some parts too; if they had actually been looking after Renfield instead of everybody locking themselves in their rooms to jack off over "their precious Mina" he probably would have lived.  God, the way they treated that second-coming-of-Jesus-Christ-Mina, practically CARRYING her everywhere so her precious feet wouldn't touch the ground...!  I also hate it in books when they shut away insane people (or people they THINK are insane) so they can just forget about them.  BUT!  One cool thing in the book, that I have never, EVER encountered in any adaptation of Dracula EVER, that was one of the coolest things about Stoker's Dracula that nobody ever mentions, when they kill Dracula (oops, spoiler alert):

"I shall be glad as long as I live that even in that moment of final dissolution there was in the face a look of peace, such as I never could have imagined might have rested there."

In the final moments, he was a person again; he had been afflicted by this curse but was finally set free.  But people think it's cooler to have him be this big cartoony villain and die all, "WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT A GOOD LITTLE GIRL LIKE YOU COULD DESTROY MY BEAUTIFUL WICKEDNESS?"  But I'm a sucker for redemption.


Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Big Poppa Pump


Scott Steiner.  6'1", 276 lbs.

From his glory days in WCW in the late '90s and early '00s.










And of course, before that...



And in motion...