I wanted to stay positive. I didn't want to upset anybody. But the truth must be told.
NAME: Disney's Beauty and the Beast
CODE NAME: Sucky's Sucky and the Suck
PRE-EXISTING BIAS: Positive. I loved this movie when I was twelve.
The theme of this movie seems to be, "Appearance is everything." You'd think it would be the opposite, but no. I used to watch this movie a lot, and then one day, suddenly it was just so boring, I couldn't believe how much of it was left. And I haven't watched it since then, years ago. And I HOPE to never see it again. But I'm going to remember what I can about it, for you.
We start off with a selfish prince who turns away an old beggar woman. Turning her away into a snowstorm is practically giving her a death sentence. But lo and behold! She's actually a beautiful enchantress! (That's right, it turns out she's really BEAUTIFUL! Yay!) Her revenge on the prince is to give him this big huge elaborate chance to redeem himself. She turns him into a hideous Beast--well actually, she turns him into a surprisingly cute Beast, very huggable, very My Pet Monster. Not covered with bald patches and scabs and stuff like you might suppose. I guess you can still be a Beast as long as you're a MARKETABLE Beast.
She also turns the entire (conveniently named) castle staff into things! Lumiere became a candlestick. Cogsworth became a clock. Mrs. Potts became a teapot. Little boy Chip became a teacup with a chip in it. Mrs. Wardrobe obviously was the name of the wardrobe. And poor Mr. Chamber Pot...! All this until someone falls in love with the Beast for his insides or something.
Then we go to this small town. And everyone's all a-flutter about this BEAUTIFUL girl, who's just the most BEAUTIFUL girl they've ever seen, and her name is Belle, which means BEAUTY! But she's SMART too! Smart AND beautiful, girls! Aim high! In fact, she's SO fucking smart that she KNOWS how much better she is than this whole fucking town, and she sings this whole song about how much fucking better she is than this whole fucking town and god, she wants to get away from this town! And at this annoying part she's reading this book, that clearly tells the story of "Beauty and the Beast," to a bunch of sheep. (Because she's so much smarter than everyone else that she has to resort to SHEEP for her friends!) And she's all, "Here's where she meets Prince Charming, but she won't discover that it's him 'til Chapter Three." And it's like, wait. Is the book like, three chapters long? And you had it open in the middle. Is it like, a book filled with short stories? You're acting like it's the beginning of the book--which makes sense because you JUST borrowed it like thirty seconds ago--but now you're like halfway through and saying it ends in like three chapters. Whatever.
Oh, and there's this big hot guy Gaston, but he's evil. Because of the times he grew up in, you know? He believes what he's been told, and what everyone around him believes, and he's quite sexist and not at all willing to suddenly be one of the only people in the world at the time to stand up for women's rights. The swine! Oh and there are these triplets who are totally into Gaston, and they might be prettier than Beauty BUT they're not also SMART like her! So they lose.
Let's see. The Beast keeps her dad a fucking PRISONER in his castle. And Beauty gets the Beast to let her father go by taking his place. As the Beast's PRISONER. And then, while she's his PRISONER who can't go home or anything because she can't leave because she's IMPRISONED, she's like all, "He's really kind of cute!" 'Cause you know, remember, no scabs or bald patches or anything.
And they dance in a ballroom in like the first instance of computer animation being inserted into hand animation, and NO Disney. It was NOT magical. It was CLUMSY and it takes you out of the movie at that part. It makes you think, "Look what THAT looks like," and whether you like it or not, it makes you think about the clashing styles of animation, and you're taken out of the story, which maybe they did to be merciful because there's a fucking Angela Lansbury song going on during this shit.
Okay, blah blah, then like Gaston goes to rescue Beauty and kill the Beast. And she's all like "But I LOOOVE him!" And then the Beast is gonna let Gaston go anyway, but Gaston stabs the Beast in the back so the Beast flails and knocks Gaston off the roof so he can die without it being anyone else's fault. Then the Beast turns into a hunky human prince and Beauty's all like "Oh! Turns out he's beautiful! Not that I care about that!" And all the shit in the castle turns into annoying character actors.
NOW. I don't feel like Gaston going after the Beast was ANY worse than the Beast turning that old woman away to DIE. At least Gaston was killing a big strong (albeit huggable) MONSTER and not some poor old woman! And why did he have to die? Isn't that the laziest resolution EVER? Why didn't he get a chance to redeem himself? Why did the fucking BEAST get like this big huge elaborate fucking scheme affecting hundreds of people around him so he could eventually FINALLY learn his lesson? Maybe if Gaston had everything fucking HANDED to him like the Beast did, and everyone around HIM turned into magical shit and stuff, then maybe HE could have learned his lesson too! He would have learned that beautiful people should end up with beautiful people, but you should also be smart, and it's what's on the inside that counts or whatever.
You guys. This has been an exhausting week, warning you about all this evil. I feel so tired and dirty. How do the WikiLeaks people keep it up? More power to them.
Happy Halloween! Here are Max and Charlie Carver taking advantage of their twinness for the best Halloween costumes ever. "Come and play with us."