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Saturday, October 22, 2016

By The Power Of What The Fuh...?

Speaking of Brian Cage, I'm just going to assume that none of you knew about "Fall of Grayskull," a fan film in which Brian Cage himself plays He-Man, because surely you would have told me.

My only real complaint is, that chest piece seems awfully big.  And if I remember correctly, he wears it the WHOLE TIME.  Teela and Evil Lynn show more skin.  Pfft, straight people, amIright?

What I love about Brian Cage being in this, is how it really shows this whole attitude he seems to have, of, "Screw you, I'm gonna do what I want and have fun."  A while back I had read an interview with Cage talking about being let go by the WWE, and he said they were stupid for letting him go (true enough), and a lot of people were criticizing him for burning his bridges behind him like that.  But more recently, I read an interview where he talked about WWE feeling like walking on eggshells the whole time, but in Lucha Underground, wrestling feels more like how he thought it would be, when he was a kid who loved wrestling.  So for a lot of people, the fact that someone would be happier NOT in WWE confounds them, but putting happiness over money makes a lot of sense to me.  Good on you, Brian Cage.  You have the power!

Friday, October 21, 2016

Too Alpha?

You know, if I wasn't careful, I could really bore you by incessantly going on about how physically perfect I find Barry Burke (AKA Brian Cage).  Even among other wrestlers, he stands out as a specimen of strength and beauty and, despite his bulk, agility.  Contrasting him with his opponents makes you think that Burke could actually be a different species, the next step in evolution.  (And a freakin' ass on 'im that makes me think I was too fast to be so complimentary of Chase LaChance's ass yesterday.)

And of course, as a jobber lover, I DO enjoy seeing him on the receiving end of some trouble, as in his match against Lane Hartley and Kelly King ("Double-Teamed," at Wrestler4Hire).  But--and I say this with all love and respect--sometimes I think that Burke may just be too alpha to TRULY be a jobber.

He cracks wise throughout his matches, regardless of whether he's winning or losing.  After Hartley and King put Burke to sleep (truly a sight to behold), the heels wake him up with a painful double-team maneuver.  Burke cries out, "What a horrible dream!"  He cracks me up, and it cracks me up to think how frustrating that must be to an opponent.  Even if you're winning, it would be hard to feel dominant with that kind of flippant attitude from your supposed jobber.

But please don't get me wrong; Burke's attitude, and the possibility that he's no real jobber, does nothing to diminish the delight in seeing that beautiful specimen taken down a peg or two by a couple of determined and nasty heels.  And Lane Hartley and Kelly King certainly have mouths of their own, to counter Burke's disrespectful light-heartedness.  It isn't the nastiest beatdown, but it's a fun beatdown, and I hope that makes sense to you.

And Nasty Heels!  That is your challenge: TRULY make Brian Cage/Barry Burke your jobber!

(A special shout-out to the camera work in this match.  It puts you right in there, without being in the way.  For some reason that just really grabbed my attention this time.)

Thursday, October 20, 2016


Chace LaChance vs. Flash LaCash ("Unleashed," at Wrestler4Hire) is everything I could want in a squash match.  Chace, as the jobber, starts off friendly and enthusiastic and willing to shake hands.  He's beautiful, buff and lightly hairy, and his trunks work overtime to highlight one of the most perfect asses in the developed world.

Flash, the heel, goes about his job of destructing poor Chace with sadistic glee.  His actions are brutal, and seem all the more so in contrast with his constant gleaming white smile.  As he works, he constantly deflates and humiliates Chace.  "From Italian Stallion to Ballerina Pony."  After a match full of verbal and physical punishment, our babyface once again falls for the ol' crooked handshake trap.  As much fun as Flash seems to be having in demolishing naive Chace, he (Flash) makes it clear, with two sleeper holds and an outright mugging, that though he enjoys his work, he takes it deadly seriously.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Maximum Nese

Of Tony Nese's televised WWE matches to date, my favorite is probably this match against Rich Swann, if only because it was one-on-one, so you know, maximum Nese.  And P.S.: I love that Nese didn't change his gear up too much for WWE, because you know, that ass.

With the longer beard, there are some comparisons, in appearance anyway, to Damien Sandow, but I still maintain that looking beyond the beard, Nese is more like a smaller version of Chris Masters.  A compliment to BOTH of them, in my opinion.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

WWE Goes Maverick

Maybe it's just me, but it still feels weird to see Tony Nese in WWE on TV.  Not as a guest jobber either, but with an entrance video and theme song.  I'm not even going to go into an anti-WWE rant, where I'm pessimistic about how they utilize talent.  I'm just going to enjoy the moment, and be happy for Nese, and optimistic about the future.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Big Beautiful Dummy

"He's just a big, beautiful dummy, isn't he."  So says Patty (Leslie Jones) of Kevin (Chris Hemsworth) in the extended edition of "Ghostbusters" (2016).  And I thought the same of Braden, watching Braden Charron vs. Jayden Mayne: Boxer vs. Bodybuilder, at Wrestler 4 Hire.

Braden's looking particularly big and beautiful in this match, especially in those trunks... watching him be outsmarted and dominated by an opponent in boxing gloves is strangely hot.

This isn't a 100% squash job; Braden gets his licks in too.  But it's for Braden-as-jobber my heart is REALLY beating.  And Jayden does a great job as heel, particularly when he's talking down to Braden.  Being talked down to really helps make a person look dumber, and people seem to love to do that to poor beefy Braden (here's a brief sample of that).

Jayden, holding up a tottering, out-of-it Braden, gently asks, "Can you stand up?  Huh?  Can you stand up?  Can you see this?"  Showing Braden his UNGLOVED knockout fist.  (Side note: being threatened in a quiet, gentle voice is, for some reason, WAY scarier than being threatened with angry shouting.)

This is a fun match, the "Boxer vs. Bodybuilder" aspect giving it just the touch of video gamey cartooniness I love in my wrestling.  And ANY match containing the following image HAS to be a winner:

(Obviously I don't think Braden's REALLY a dummy.  For sure I wouldn't sit here and insult somebody who I understand is Cameron Matthews' roommate--I'm sure Cameron mentioned that before in his writings, unless it's just a fantasy born in my own head.)

Wednesday, October 12, 2016


Here are three matches that can be found on YouTube that are perfect examples of wrestling porn.  (Of course, some of you watch LITERALLY pornographic wrestling, so probably wouldn't think that term applies here, but for my purposes, it does.)

1.  Big E Langston vs. Chad Baxter

This was back when Big E was still in NXT, enjoying his "Three ain't enough, man, I need FIVE!" gimmick.  He dominates his opponent, and keeps up the abuse long after he's won, repeating finishers and counting his own five-count.  I love around the 4:35 mark, how Baxter involuntarily quivers as Big E slaps the mat.

2.  Nailz vs. Ron Cumberledge

Actually, ANY match with Ron Cumberledge would work here, but this one's pretty vicious.  I only discovered Ron Cumberledge not that long ago, and I'm so sad I didn't know about him so much sooner.  It feels like there weren't a lot of guys built like him wrestling back then, and holy shit, watching that huge, muscular jobber in little trunks get the breath choked out of him by the fully-clothed heel just REALLY does it for me.

3.  Dean Malenko Laid Out

So this video is titled "Rick Rude's Last Rude Awakening," which is sad and kind of morbid.  But if you can put the thought that this is Rude's final time to perform his finishing maneuver and nobody there realizes it out of your head, this segment is pretty hot.  A host of menacing, sexy heels lay waste to Malenko.  What I love about Malenko is that he's never particularly cartoony or outlandish; he's straightforward and stocky and hard and sexy as F-U-C-K.  So watching him get demolished and humiliated like this seems like a particularly rare treat.

You know, I hadn't noticed it before now, but a common theme of those videos was  referees ineffectually being all, "Come on, man, stop, he's had enough."  It occurs to me, that's a pretty hot phenomenon.  The ref acting like that in and of itself isn't particularly hot (depending on the ref I guess), but if he has occasion to act like that, it's a pretty good sign things have gotten pretty out of hand, and likely, hot.