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Friday, July 27, 2012

Blond Hair Handle


Fitness model Steve Kuchinsky, 6'0", 190 lbs.  If we're talking about people being wrestlers (and aren't we always?), I've got to say: With a beautiful blond hair handle like that, how could he NOT be a jobber, getting tossed around by his golden locks?  Maybe that's why he got his hair cut shorter in some of the images.  But will simply getting a haircut be enough to save him from eternal jobberdom?  And would we even want that?  (First picture: How he comes down to the ring.  Second picture: He peels the shirt off for the match.)








Friday, July 20, 2012

Pigeonhole THIS!


Tim Tebow, Colton Haynes...and now it's time to contemplate Ryan Lochte as a wrestler. 

(Yes, Colton Haynes and Ryan Lochte have kind of been dominating Inner Jobber lately [if only!], but televised wrestling has stopped paying off [no Mason Ryan!] so I've stopped watching, and DVD's from independent wrestling companies are a little out of the Stay Puft budget currently [I mean I even had to sell my cello to a pawn shop recently and was hoping maybe there'd be a LITTLE money left over for like a DVD with Diego Diaz, but no!  It was a very Charles Dickens moment by the way, only it should have been dark and Victorian and snowy, not bright and sunshiny and really hot.  The background music could have been a somber cello solo, ironically.  And you'd think some people would want to break SOME stereotypes, like the guy behind the counter with the sleazy gold chain, or the customers wearing flip-flops with the loud children and strange aversion to deodorant...  Wow, thanks for letting me share that--I couldn't tell anyone I actually KNOW because I'd be afraid they'd think I was hinting for a cello or money or something.  And I never got good at playing so it's not like I tragically gave up a classical career or anything.] SO Colton Haynes and Ryan Lochte have come along right when they were most needed, as evidenced in Inner Jobber.)


But back to the topic at hand!  Ryan Lochte as a wrestler.  A lot of the times, I kind of make up a character and personality for the people I'm placing into my fantasy wrestling universe.  The tricky thing about Lochte is, it sounds like he already has a LOT of personality.  There are reports of him at a swimming competition, flipping the bird to someone SECONDS before the competition began, the other swimmers pulling out ahead of him, but then Lochte suddenly kicking it up a notch, passing everyone and winning handily, patting the guy in the next lane on the head as he climbs out of the pool.  While wearing the neon green speedos he designed himself.  Talent and effortlessness and confidence.  Seemingly enjoying life while not caring what people think.  And yes, he's been called a douche bag.  I used to think I had a high tolerance to douche bags, but I'm starting to wonder if it's more than that, like maybe an attraction...

So, if Ryan Lochte was a face, it seems like he'd be kind of a douche bag, ass-hole face.  But if he was a heel, he'd be kind of a harmless, fun-loving heel.  Which conundrum would define Ryan Lochte the wrestler?  (And how would he fare in the wrestling world already populated by Tebow and Colton?)







Thursday, July 19, 2012

An Obvious Heel?


Last time, we speculated on the kind of wrestler Tim Tebow would be.  Actually, it's safe to assume that for any non-wrestler appearing in Inner Jobber, I've already been thinking about the type of wrestler he'd be.  But last time, I actually put it into words, and got some interesting comments, so I'm putting it into words again.  So what kind of wrestler would Colton Haynes (of MTV's "Teen Wolf") be?  (It's safe to assume most people reading this haven't seen it, but a picture's worth a thousand words.)

It's really hard not to be influenced by the show, where Colton plays Jackson, a douche with a dark side.  And he does it SO well, and he's SO good-looking, that a smarmy heel persona just feels like it would work.  But who knows?  Sometimes I can't see too far ahead.  What would it take for a young, good-looking stud who's pretty full of himself to turn face?





Wednesday, July 18, 2012

If He Was A Wrestler


Touchdown!  Hut-hut!  Hike!  Okay, those are all the football words I know.  But I DO know about who should have been wrestlers.  And the question emerges: Should Tim Tebow be a heel or a face?  I'm sure it would be easy to take his spirituality and twist it into a holier-than-thou, save-the-world-by-cleansing-it-with-fire type of super-villain.  But I think he would make a better heroic jobber.  Just look at his face!  He wouldn't play dirty.  When a heel would take a short-cut and nail Tebow with a low-blow, through the pain, Tebow's big innocent eyes would register shock and confusion that anyone would do that.  And even as his fans rallied behind their favorite boyscout, they would take a moment to be amazed that the same trick would work against him EVERY match.











Saturday, July 14, 2012

Ryan And Us


"Us" has an Olympics special out, with Ryan Lochte sprawled languidly on the top of the cover.  Here is a look at the first section, which features Ryan.  Because maybe you're a Ryan Lochte fan, but don't want to pay ten bucks for a magazine mostly full of other people.  (Or maybe you did something unpleasant for someone else that they didn't want to do, and so they bought the magazine for me--er, you.)








Friday, July 13, 2012

A Good Day For A Parade


Just in case there was anybody out there who thought something like a teen drama would be too frivolous for Inner Jobber: Sorry.  Besides, the folks over at ColtonHaynes.org are so insanely conscientious about posting screen caps from recent episodes, how can I NOT take advantage?








And I found out yesterday that "Teen Wolf" has been picked up for a third season, with 24 episodes instead of its usual 12.  I'm excited.  And I found out that today (July 13) is Colton Haynes' birthday.  Crazy ol' world!  Hope he has a great one.  

Tyler Hoechlin, Colton Haynes, Tyler Posey

By the way, happy Friday the 13th everybody!