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Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Don't Touch Me; You're Too Hot


The above image of Tony Nese and Chris Masters was taken from Piledrive U.  God, they're both so hot.  (And I still love Masters' cyborg tattoo.)  Love the size difference, both so perfect in their own way.  When thinking whether I'd like to see them fight each other or be tag team partners, I'm thinking partners.  Because they both look so nice.  Them against the world.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Boogie Woogie Jobber Boy

Brett Barnes/Brett Idol

Before we start boning up on another of my favorite jobbers, I'd like to observe a moment of silence for Bruno, who's having technical difficulties with his blog, Beefcakes of Wrestling.  We all hope things go relatively painlessly for you, Bruno, because as far as we're concerned, Beefcakes of Wrestling can't come back soon enough! :)

Today's jobber in question is Brett Barnes, also known as Brett Idol.  (I guess he's not always a "jobber," it probably depends on the federation, and the match.)  Young Brett here is a case of someone who's one of my favorites, that I stopped and realized, "I've been blogging for over a year, and I've never mentioned Rugby?!"  (Ah, you see, I've named him Rugby in my fantasy universe.)

At 5'8" and 200 lbs, Brett is one beefy little dude, who fills out his trunks nicely.  Seriously, he has an ass second only to Jason Static's.  In this televised match against the Boogeyman, Brett's wearing space-age silver ass-hugging trunks from the jobber gear emporium of the future.  Brett makes a beautiful hot hot sexy pretty contrast to his icky opponent.

The Boogeyman is treated to an elaborate entrance of dancing and smoke and general creepiness.

Already in the ring, with no televised nameplate, Brett is illuminated only by his opponent's dim and flickering lights.

Brett is young and fresh and eager...

...but do I sense a slight bit of trepidation?

Brett is ready to go.

The Jobber Flurry is when the opponent who you know is going to lose comes out with a few offensive moves.  Usually totally ineffective, still the Jobber Flurry makes you think, "He's doing it!  Can he turn this around?"  Sadly, the Jobber Flurry is doomed to failure.  And the bad part about the Jobber Flurry: After you've used it, your opponent is pissed, and from there the match is even more one-sided than before, if possible.  Sadly for Brett, he STARTS his match against the Boogeyman with the Jobber Flurry.

Cagey Brett in the corner...

Brett comes out kicking!

Brett is pleased with himself for his Jobber Flurry.

Brett's smile vanishes as he realizes the Boogeyman is unfazed.

Mere seconds into the match, and a battered Brett is already crawling on the ground.

Brett reaches pathetically for the rope, his lifeline to help stand up, if we wants to get back in this match.

Before he can get up, Brett is slammed back-first into the mat by the Boogeyman.

The Boogeyman won't let Brett stand...

...until the Boogeyman himself stands him up.  (Just say "No" to double-bagging.)

Brett is limp, already at the complete mercy of the Boogeyman.

Boogeyman smooshes Brett.

Brett's fantastic ass.

Once again, this match has that thing I love, when the jobber attempts to feebly pull himself up by the legs of the very person dominating him.  I guess that should have a name too, like the Jobber Climb?

Brett attempts to pull himself up, using the Boogeyman...

Brett can only get up when the Boogeyman PULLS him up.

Pumphandle slam.

Pinfall.

One good thing about having to fight the Boogeyman: The post-match humiliation is one of the only times the WWE will show a close-up of a jobber's face!

The crowd is excited as the Boogeyman calls for his bag of worms.

Brett is trashed, completely helpless to defend himself from the Boogeyman's unwholesome post-match humiliations.

Dazed Brett is unaware as the Boogeyman reaches into his bag o' worms.

Too weak to fight, Brett's mouth is forced open by the Boogeyman.

Defenseless Brett has no choice but to endure this violation, taking whatever the Boogeyman decides to put into him.

The Boogeyman himself eats worms, so he's not doing anything to Brett he doesn't do himself.  So in a way, there's something almost gentle and nurturing in what the Boogeyman is doing.  Or, is he just delighting in violating his opponent?

Feeding the young. 

Poor Brett.  I hope he gets paid extra for the worm thing!

Thursday, February 21, 2013

High Voltage

Robbie Rage on the ropes.

Some of my favorite wrestlers come from the late nineties and early 2000's, from WCW's Power Plant. Or, as it could easily have been called, the Fucking Hot Jobber Factory.

Robbie Rage struggles--and fails--to get to his feet.

Two best friends trained together at the Fucking Hot Jobber Factory the Power Plant, Robbie Rage and Kenny Kaos.  They formed a tag team, sometimes called Rage and Kaos, but usually called High Voltage.

High Voltage: Kenny Kaos (left) and Robbie Rage

The stocky blond in the group is Kenny Kaos.

Quirky Kenny Kaos

But who I'M more concerned with is the 5'10, 254 lb. Robbie Rage.  (Yes, they have similar builds, but it's Robbie Rage who commands my attention.  Funny, isn't it?)

Robbie Rage

Robbie Rage hamming it up.

When they both come down:

Rage (right) and Kaos

I have eyes for one:

R.R.

These images were taken from a match against Kevin Nash and Scott Hall, the New World Order.  (I would have liked to guide you to this match on YouTube, but it didn't seem to be up there.  The images come from a DVD someone sold of wrestling they had recorded from TV.   I miss being able to record wrestling from TV!)  Usually Rage and Kaos wrestled as heels, although I always thought their energy and enthusiasm made them likable faces.  But in THIS match, since Hall and Nash were such obvious villains, Rage and Kaos were the never-say-die, out-manned babyfaces I knew they could be.  Back then, heels were heels: In the image below, the audience throws garbage and stale popcorn at the villains as they saunter to the ring.

Kevin Nash (left) and Scott Hall: The New World Order

Scott Hall is another favorite of mine.  So who do I focus on when two of my favorites are in the ring at the same time?  The jobber, of course.  The one on the receiving end.  We could go into endless discussions of vulnerability equating relatability and likability, or the constant struggle, or the "yu-man condition," but let's cut all that out for now: Hot guys getting beat up in a wrestling ring makes me hard, okay?

Scott Hall flicks his toothpick at all of us viewers.

The NWO: Nash (left) and Hall
Hall is huge in his own right (billed at 6'7), so it's impressive when he's the shorter man in a tag team.

Hall (right) and Nash

In this match, Kenny Kaos starts in the ring with Scott Hall.  Hall takes control pretty quickly, and maintains it.  Nobody fucks around with a jobber like Scott Hall.  He bats them about the head and toys with them just like a cat toying with its prey.

Cat (Hall) and Mouse (Kaos).

The villains control Kaos until Kevin Nash (mercifully? playfully? insultingly?) throws Kaos into his corner, allowing him to tag in his fresh partner, Robbie Rage.  In an impressive display of agility for a man his size, Rage bound over the rope and charges Nash...

Robbie Rage: When Pigs Fly.

...only to run straight into Kevin Nash's boot.

Kevin Nash and Robbie Rage: This little piggy said, "Oof."

Here, Nash takes his turn toying with Robbie.

Kevin Nash toys with Robbie Rage.

This match even features Robbie Rage performing one of the sexiest jobber moves ever: attempting to pull himself to his feet, using his dominator, only to be kicked aside like so much rubbish.

Rage can't even climb to his feet using Nash.

A strong, hard, stocky 254 lbs. is Robbie Rage, so it's impressive when Nash lifts him as effortlessly as he would a rag doll.

Nash and Rage: Oh, you beautiful doll, you great big beautiful doll...

The throat, the gut, the back: Nash is relentless in his assault on my hot boar, Robbie Rage.

Oblivious Robbie Rage

Vicious Kevin Nash

Choking Robbie Rage

Like a good tag team, Nash lets Hall take his turn bringing home the bacon.

At this point, Robbie Rage can't rise without Scott Hall's assistance.

But soon Nash wants back in.  Rage is HIS.  And Scott Hall is an obedient kitty to Nash's dominant, gruff old dog.

Nash and Rage: Nash can do whatever he wants with his smaller opponent.

Nash raises an effortless boot to Rage's throat.

Robbie Rage is weakened.

Robbie Rage dangles helplessly in the corner...

Robbie Rage falls to the ground.

Eventually, their fun must come to an end.  Hall disposes of Robbie in the corner to (unceremoniously) bring back in his partner, Kenny, who started in this match.

Rage is tossed aside; Kaos is tossed in.

But Nash isn't going to let his kitty finish this match.  That honor belongs to himself.

Kenny Kaos: It's all over now, Baby Blue.

A humiliating pin on Kaos, and Rage is far too beaten and battered to come to his friend's aid.

A dominant NWO; a submissive High Voltage.

That's what the fuck I'm talking about.  I think I have to go watch this on TV now.