Translate Inner Jobber!

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Big Sweaty Guys

Braun Strowman vs Johnny Knockout

At the beginning of his match against Braun Strowman, Johnny Knockout said he likes to get in the ring with "big sweaty guys."  Although this is my introduction to you, Johnny Knockout, I think I like you.  A lot.  We seem to have similar tastes.  (Photos from WWE.)

And oh, Braun.  Going for ANOTHER pin on him, AFTER the match?  Hot stuff right there.  (Oops, spoiler for how the match turns out!)

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Brawn Strongman

Good God, Braun Strowman is sexy.  In just a really fuckin' big, really fuckin' strong kind of way.  He may not be cut, but he's so SOLID, so HARD and BIG.  Grrgh.  And sometimes he even wears a mask.  And sometimes he's kind of dumb, charging at opponents who sidestep and he crashes into the ring post, or they pull down on the ropes and he goes spilling out of the ring.  Or gets all caught up in the ropes while Roman Reigns beats on him and he can't even fall down, being caught in the ropes, but is forced to just hang there and take it...  Aggressive but stupid.  Like a big dumb bull.  I mean that's a LOT of fucking buttons that Braun Strowman is pushing for me!

Nerdy fun-fact!  Braun Strowman, and the rest of the Wyatt Family, have a sort of unofficial cameo in the video game "Fallout 4," specifically in its DLC (downloadable content) called "Far Harbor."  (Sure, maybe old news by now, but it wasn't when I found it!  I just haven't been on the internet much lately is all...)  You find a series of shacks (similar to the ramshackle living quarters hinted at in Wyatt Family promos--but in all fairness, MOST of the Fallout games look like that), where a disaster has occurred.  You find recordings of people with names of, or similar to, the Wyatt Family's names, who have been attacked by radioactive sea monsters.  So a wrestling fan worked on the "Fallout" game.  Yay!

Now for something else, just for fun.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Rear Guard: Hard From Sports

Tyler Hoechlin, formerly of "Teen Wolf," is now going to play Superman in the TV series "Supergirl."  Let's admire some pictures of him in costume, filming:

Now, many have argued that that ass can't be real.  It HAS to be padding.  But the thing is, Tyler Hoechlin used to play baseball.

This argues in favor of his ass being natural.  To quote Men's Health, July/August 2016, in a question and answer section regarding why baseball players would have big asses: "The key muscles here are the gluteus maximus, gluteus medius, and gluteus minimus, a trio that provides balance, speed, and power."  One need only look to professional baseball players' asses to see that Hoechlin's super-bubble is not beyond the realms of possibility.

Actually, let's look at ONE baseball player, Anthony Recker, because even if he didn't have that ass he'd STILL be gorgeous, but he DOES have that ass.

Friday, August 19, 2016

Devastate Me LOUD

Beautiful Scott Eastwood: Not in Suicide Squad enough.

At first I was nervous about seeing "Suicide Squad," because I thought maybe it would be super-violent and icky, but I really wanted to see Harley Quinn in a movie.  Then it was getting like a SHIT TON of bad reviews, and I thought, "Ew, maybe I WON'T see it."

Then on the radio, I heard a review for a movie called "Little Men" (nothing to do with Louisa May Alcott).  And they played a part of the movie on the radio, that was just a dad yelling at his son.  Like, kind of stomach-clenchingly uncomfortable.  I can hear that from my neighbors, why watch it in a movie?  I can't conceive of having a life SO bereft of unpleasantness that you'd have to watch a movie with that kind of realistic shit in it JUST to see how the other half lives.  But it was getting a really good review, and at the end, the critic said, "This movie is quietly devastating."  So THEN I thought, "Okay, if critics think shit like THIS is any good, they clearly know nothing, or at least have nothing in common with me."  So I decided for sure to see "Suicide Squad."

(I mean really.  "Quietly devastating"?  Oh please.  At least "Suicide Squad" looked loudly devastating.  'Cause if you're gonna devastate...)

And I liked it.  This summer has REALLY ruined the internet for me.  "Ghostbusters" and "Suicide Squad," just from the NAMES you can tell that they're just supposed to be fun, stupid summer movies, and they get so much hate that I can't even really just say that I like them, it turns into having to defend them.


So, Harley.  The actual reason I saw this movie.  I've been a fan of Harley Quinn since she debuted on The Animated Series.  In fact, realizing that following comic books was expensive, I limited myself to following my two favorite characters: Harley Quinn and Jean Grey.  (Oh, speaking of Jean Grey, quick side note: FUCK YOU, MARVEL.)  So that's a lot of years of build-up, and I wondered how I would like Harley and Mr. J in "Suicide Squad."

I LOVED them.  So much.  Margot Robbie I had seen in "Pan Am" (with Christina Ricci, who won a Jobby for Lady of Inner Jobber the last time I had the Jobby Awards, small world!).  They even had a part in the movie where, for a few brief seconds, they recreated the Alex Ross painting that was used on the cover of the "Harley Quinn" graphic novel that moved her from the animation and "Adventures" comics into the main series' continuity!  (*Nerdgasm ends*)

Frankly, my only complaint is that they made the wrong movie.  A whole movie of Joker and Harley, I personally would have LOVED that.  They touched on their backstory, and I just wanted more of that.

(And maybe, you know, without Will Smith.  For me, he just kept feeling like "Will Smith."  And sorry, but being an assassin but refusing to assassinate women doesn't give you a heart of gold.  I think it just makes you sexist.  Surely there's no equality in that.  I'm not saying the movie would have been better if he had shot more women, that's just a character nitpick.)

Oh, the violence--yeah, it was pretty violent, but nothing too bad.  A lot of people have criticized that it wasn't sadistic/violent ENOUGH, but then *I* would have liked it less.  So as they say, you can't please all of the people all of the time.

And CRIMINALLY UNDER-USED was Scott Eastwood, who for me ties with Margot Robbie's Harley as most beautiful character in this movie, although I'll understand if most of you think he comes in first.  After those rumors that he could be playing Dick Grayson/Nightwing, it was disappointing that he wasn't in it more, is all.  He would have made SUCH A GOOD ONE probably.  The rest of the post is his.  SOO pretty.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Worst Insult Ever (+UPDATE)

I brought it on myself.  I broke two of my golden rules: I read internet comments, and then...I LEFT internet comments.

I wanted to defend "Ghostbusters 2016."  It was getting such a lot of hate, and so much of it undeserved.  You see, people hated it because they thought it would be "anti-men," and "forcing feminism down people's throats."  None of that was true, though, not in the actual movie itself.

I figured I could at least defend it, at least spread the truth around a little.  But only through being positive.  I thought my voice could be a tiny little pin-prick of light in the void.  And I DID have a conversation with a nice person, where we actually discussed our alternate viewpoints with mutual respect.  And I thought, "I underestimated the internet!  This isn't bad at all!"

After that though, other people weren't so into the "mutual respect" thing.  In fact, in condescending tones (that's right, I can recognize a condescending tone when I read it) I was called an "SJW."  And I thought, "What even IS that?"

So I had to look it up.  It means "Social Justice Warrior."  And I thought, "What?  That sounds kind of cool actually."  But it's used negatively, as in, one of those people who set out LOOKING to be offended (which frankly I can't stand, because it makes it so much easier for people to justify dismissing legitimate grievances).  But I don't think I tipped the scales into THAT side of it.  In fact, the first person who said that SJWs like me crack them up, was responding to me saying, "No, it's okay, the movie's not like that."  So accusing a movie of NOT being feminist got me called a Social Justice Warrior.

And as far as internet insults go, I got off fucking LIGHT.

And really, as an insult, it fails.  Because every time I write out "Social Justice Warrior," I think, "That still sounds cool."  SHOULD an insult sound cool?  I mean it has Warrior in it.  They're calling me a an insult.  And implying that I think that everybody should be afforded the same rights and dignity and respect.  As an INSULT.  I just...?

Now, I wanted to say one more nice thing to the person I was having a nice conversation with, but at the same time I was nervous about going back to the site, because over time people were piling on to the whole "SJW" thing, and one commenter with a unique name went so far as to say that my credibility is lost.  (I WILL win back your respect, gasface!)  But alas! I couldn't get back into that site.  The computer CLAIMED I didn't enter the right user name or password, and I know I DID.  But I guess a higher power than myself is telling me that if I MUST make internet comments, to keep them limited to homoerotic wrestling blogs, because you're kind of a pussy, Sean.  (Higher powers can be dicks sometimes.)

So the rest of this post is dedicated to pictures of Apollo Crews.  In a fictitious wrestling world, he will be a superhero called Social Justice Warrior (although rich white straight men think he's a supervillain).  He will be my avatar, because Apollo Crews looks basically exactly like me.  (As far as you know.)  If I was Alex at The Cave, there would be images of Crews altered by mindsweeper to have his trunks decorated with a bright "SJW" logo.  Maybe pink on yellow.  As it is, our imaginations will have to suffice.


I forgot to post the happiest part, that far outweighs the negative: